Havent been feeling so good lately. Maybe it's the overthinking. Maybe it's the lockdown and lost of freedom thingy. Maybe because of the conversation I encountered with Azam, regarding knowing what's good and what's bad for you. Or realising that some people, whether we like it or not, inflicts more harm than good to us. Even if they are someone we treasure the most. And I havent been feeling so good ever since. I tried to talk to you about that, but you, you were avoiding me. Cut the bullshit, you have been avoiding me from 8th March.
My dad once (or many many times) said "choose someone that will choose you". I'd choose you again and again, over everything. I chose you over my study, or over my sleeping schedule, I chose you over my mental health and well being. I regret not. But then come one question that I dont have the answer. "Will you choose me?"
Just once. I wanted you to choose me for once. I wanted to be good enough for you, just once. Just once, you'd look at me. Not even as someone special you know. That would be absurd. That is me asking for too much. But as a friend. As a person. Because right now, I feel so expendable- just something you can discard at your own convenience. And I really dont like that feeling. Just for once, I wanted to feel secure.
But that's the thing, isnt it? What do I even have to offer...? Im not pretty, I dont have that fit or gorgeous body, I dont have interesting personality, Im dumb, Im a horrible person in a way. Heck even I wouldnt choose me, so why would you.
As sad and devastated as it is, then it hits me. Like a snap of a thread. It shouldnt matter. In two years time, this, shouldnt matter. When I truly gone, this shouldnt matter. When she turned 21, all of this pain in the chest, the aching of my heart, it wont matter. In a way, you're doing me a kindness. You dont attach yourself to me, so I dont have to feel so bad when I leave. And I know what I have to do now. De-attaching myself from you too.
Oh God, just once, I wanted you to say to me "You matter".
But that would just be sweet dream of mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment