Rookie mistakes.

I swear to God, my heart skipped a beat, reading this text. HIS text. How could I be so careless as to stalk him with my own Twitter account and FUCKING REQUESTED TO FOLLOW HIM. I didnt know what I was thinking last night. Maybe because of Atuk Ayah's death, otak aku jadi tak betul? 

And... the following conversation doesnt end well. I dont think Im prepared, yet. Or ever will. I used to put his well-being over mine, and with the current state of my mind, take one more stress and I will fucking explode. 

I really miss you, though. Miss talking to you. It has been what, almost a year? But I cant seem to put aside my ego, and just talk to you. Im so sorry. For the time being, I am still not ready. 

The way you left things, 

It is wrong. 

And it still hurts. 

And the fact, 

You keep on blaming me, 

Alone, 

It still fucking hurts. 

I wish you nothing but good fortune, man. I really do. 

063- He too... passed away.

Hello there. Today, 11th December 2018 (Tuesday), marks the day that another one of my family members passed away. 

My Atuk ayah (Talib bin Sadin) suffered from carcinoma cancer, so first he suffered 2nd stage of Colorectal Adenocarcinoma, a colon cancer. He chose to remove his colon, partially. And we thought that that's it. But the cancer spread all over to his backbone, causing a whole new cancer- Stage 3 Metastatic spinal tumor which made him having difficulties to urinate. The doctor didnt give him much choice, so he chose to make both holes from the kidneys to urinate. Then, the doctors allowed him to spend times at home while waiting for his chemotherapy. Though, the doctors really didnt support the chemo idea, due to his age (75 years old) but he insisted. "Takpe doktor, pakcik gagah lagi..." With his approval, the doctors cant say no. 

Then, when he was home, he can still stand and plucked some chillies for the guests. Amazing right.. But things started went wrong, spiralling to the doom. The tubes got some leakages. Even when the doctors replaced the tubes with bigger ones, the leakages was still there. Then, there was this one big ass tumor on his stomach, suppressing his lower body usage. He cant use his legs, let alone stand and walk... So he was bed-ridden, completely. 

7th December 2018 (Friday)

I got the message from my aunt, saying that he was very ill. Not dying, but in malay, we call it 'nazak'.. very very ill. Not yet dying tho. Something in the middle. Then it was only me and Ebi. Yin was in her Asrama, and Babah was in Baku, but he get on the plane that night, heading back to Malaysia. Me and Ebi went to visit him, but only a while... like for 5 minutes only top, then we went home. 

8th December 2018 (Saturday)

We went there again, but together with Zuyyin this time. And we waited for Babah also. He was supposed to arrive at 4:30 pm, but he wasnt there until 7:30.. During that time, me and Atuk Ayah bonded a bit. He asked about me, my studies, my life.. and he asked me to clip his nails. Hands and toes. Then, he asked me to give him a clean shave.. I was a bit confused, and a bit honoured. Usually Mokde did all the cleaning and bathing. but he personally asked me to do it... Then I gave him his medicine and we went home. 

9th December 2018 (Sunday)

My Jidi from Terengganu arrived to visit him as well.. But we went there a bit late, because all of us were damn tired.. and Atuk was already on his way to sleep.. Didnt talk much, we just borak borak a bit and we bid him Good night.. 

10th December 2018 (Monday)

We went there during the evening this time, because dont wanna be late like last night.. I managed to give him a 'bath'. Well not really a bath la, not proper one.. I lap lap his body with surgical bathe. I changed his towel twice. His body was so hot, I know his body was fighting so hard. I lifted his arm, I felt nothing but skin and bone. I was so sad. He used to be so strong. He can lift 2 gas can and not budging. But now he cant even lift hand properly... His skin were so wrinkly.. His fingers.. His face, his forehead.. his clean shave moustache.. I stared at everything.. every single things.. every details. I want to remember. I want to capture everything... 

"Its okay, tomorrow I'll give you another bath ok atuk.." and he nodded and I left. Before I left, I presented him his new wheelchair. "Senang nanti atuk nak tengok tv, atuk nak jalanjalan, kita jalan jalan sekali.. Kalau atuk tanak naik takpe. Dini naik... Atuk tolakkan..." and he laughed. I laughed also. 

11th December 2018 (Tuesday)

We were planning on going to see Atuk Ayah by 4pm. I was so looking forward for it. I was having some guests for lunch, when my sister called and said "Atuk ayah was in the red zone?" I rushed into my father's room when he said "yeah I know.. I'll meet you there ok." But I cant chase out my guests right.. So I waited until 2 pm and my sister arrived from Damansara. I went and picked her up from LRT and we went there. 

"Dangg we cannot watch the football match at home laa. maybe from the hospital then" I said. 

We rushed to the hospital when I saw my father at the Emergency Section. "Go and find the carpark first" he said. I said to Jidi "kalau jidi nak turun dulu pun boleh... cepat sikit kot." and he said "Eh kita cari sama sama lah.." and Hospital Selayang, you really need to upgrade your parking space... I round and round, looking for a vacant space, and I have to go through the Emergency Section again, when my dad stopped the car and said "Dini balik rumah atuk mak lah ya... Kita jumpa kat sana..." 

....... 

The eerie silence came rushing through me.. That silence... that pain, that screaming... its eerie. I know, that moment, he was no longer with us. I really wish I was wrong.. I assumed things. This might not be happening... This cannot be happening... 

"Ho molek jugokk gitu. Kita takmau la berterok dengan orang orang ni... Boleh kita tanya tanya orang kat rumoh mende jadi..." my Jidi said, having no clue of what was happening.. 

"Kita miss him by one minute.. kita lambat satu minit..." I said. 

"Mana ada lambat... okay doh ni..." still clueless.. 

"Atuk ayah takdok doh" ....

"Memang lah atuk ayah takdok kat rumoh, dia ada di spital" really jidi... 

"Atuk ayah meninggal doh... kita lambat. Sebab tu babah suruh balik.. Takdok menda kita boleh buat kat sini dohh" I shouted a bit. I didnt mean to be rude, its just that he was bugging me so much... 

And we went to Atukmak's house and I cried all the way... 

_______________________________________________________________

I really didnt expect much when I knew he was sick. He was diagnosed with cancer in July. He put up a really good fight. But the cancer is very very aggressive. I was so glad that he only need to heed the suffering for less than 6 months. He didnt even manage to go to his first chemo- which a huge relieve btw. Chemo is just too painful for him to endure, and he was stronger then. I was glad. 

But I regret a lot of things. I shouldve, I couldve be a better grandchild. I just need 4 days to change all the hatred to love.. imagine what I can do for 21 years. I touched him more in those 4 days than I did in 21 years combined. I want to give him another bath. I want to clip his nails again, give him clean shave again, talk to him again.. I didnt even manage to push him with that wheelchair... 

Thank you for those wonderful memories, Atuk. Thank you for putting up with me, your stubborn eldest cucu.. Thank you for giving me that golden 4 days opportunity. Those 4 days I will cherish forever. I wont remember about our dark days, but I will always remember those four magical days. 

Rest now, Atuk.. Give my hugs to Mama.. I will miss you both so badly.

060- Losing the lost ones.

I often wondered. Hard.. Why do some people enter our life just to be gone in the next blink...? I mean, I lost more people than both my hands can count for, at least as far as I remember. And I still remember how tightly I hold on to some of them. But they slip away. And I too hold loose of them, but again, they too, slip away. Some of them, I tried to have them back in my life, kind of begging for them to stay, to never step from that door... but they too, are gone now. Some I dont even expect to be losing, not at a very young age... 

It is not easy, you know. No matter how many times you already do it. No matter how many farewells you bid, no matter how many screams you shouted, telling them to never go, asking them to always stay, and they dont- it was never easy. The first one hurt like a motherfucker but the second one just isnt any easier. No matter how many times you lost them, they will still hurt you. 

They say that time heals. Yeah it does. But the scars remain. You wont remember what they did, or how good they were, how you treasure all the memories you make with them. You wont remember that. Not after 2 years, not after 20 years. But you will always remember the pain they left you. You will always remember they pain you felt when they left you. You will sooner realize that "they left you". That will be the curse. They left you. 

And I already dont remember how close I was to some of them. More like, I dont want to remember. But I know this, no matter how hard I try, I will never forget that pain. The pain they chose to make me feel. I wont forget how I cried all those tears. How I go through some sleepless night, staring at the ceiling, thinking how could they hurt me this much... How my heart ache.... I wont forget them. I really want to... 

But that kind of hurts will make me even more cautious in choosing the next person who decided to walk again through that same door. 

059- Teh Tarik session

Hello hello. Now I've finish revamping my blog. Sweep the dust here and there, been through all the blog posts, both posted and also the ones in draft. Just having another different view about the old me. I would say, I outgrew her a bit. Just a bit. Because boii I was so ashamed of my blog posts. But I didnt take them down. Because I want them to be there. As my personal indicator of progression. 

Me

Over the last 2 years, so many things happened. And I dont even want to remember most of them. They are quite painful. Me, losing so many friends around me, what's new anyway... Making friends, losing friends, as quickly as that. Ive been crying over and over the same spilled milk, but the milk will still be spilt. Nothing can change over me crying for something that did happened in the past. I dont say I have no regret. Some, I do. But they are just not worth it, not anymore. Not worth the crying all over again, the hurting, the leaving-me-again. 

I've always been so suck at making friends. Ever since I was a little girl. I guess nothing change much... 

Study 

The last time I was blogging, I was still in INTEC Shah Alam, finishing up my Australian High School there. Best timee! Then my mom died. And I suddenly have this change of heart about going there. Dengg I shouldve go there... My mom wouldve want me to. And I would like that too. I wish how I didnt let him talk me out of this. But, shit happens. 

After finishing up my Ausmat, I pursue my study in Limkokwing Cyberjaya. Yup.. I was an architecture student, for only a year. Because I cannot really adapt to their environment.. Their way of being a student isnt something that I can just follow and adapt along the way. I did give myself some time of adjusting myself, but you know when you already fail. 

So I quit. Then my sisters are coming home. So Ebi will be staying with me since Babah wont be working here. Zuyyin will go to her SEGi University in Damansara, leaving Ebi alone. At first, Babah was thinking of registering Ebi to Nexus, since I was supposed to be in Limkokwing. But it will be quite awkward for Poksu and Kak Anis, now that they are staying there, at Babah's house in Cyberjaya... 

Then I know there is only one option for me. I need to enrol to the nearest university from my house. Even though it is pretty islamic and all. Hurm. Still adjusting. But this time, I dont really have a choice. I cant just think about what I want. Now, I need to think about my sisters as well. It will be a challenge, but it is a challenge that I dont mind taking. As long as I can serve my sisters, Im willing to do it. Oh by the way, I am now an Economic student! pulekkk... 

058- One of those days...

So today I didn’t quite start the day as early as expected. I just slept my way all the way until Zuyyin and Ebi make noises outside. Nope, still didn’t wake up. Just woke up when they stop making noises. Then I went outside my room and they were gone.. Then Zuyyin told me they just went to the pool downstairs to swim. Mehh... continue my sleeping journey. 

Then, Ebi bought us lunch today! She claimed that she cooked it -_-'' . Hahaha. After having our super late lunch, the clock strikes 3 pm. Ebi and Zuyyin told me that they wanted to play Bowling at Wangsa Walk. And they even willing to pay for me, since I am so broke and pokai. TT_TT

So went for bowl at 5pm and boy it was such a fun! We played two games, and Ebi won both games. Zuyyin sucks btw. So you are in the middle, Diniey. Not too shabby. Well done. Second game I scored 100 points right on the dot! It is an achievement tho. Ebi scored 122 pt for the second game which is super awesome. But we might need to find new place to bowl during weekend because it is hella pack with people. Good thing is we can shout and scream and nobody bats an eye.  So just imagine the shouting session that we launched there. 

After finish our bowling session, it is already 7pm, so we went to Wangsa Food Truck to have our light dinner. Ebi and Zuyyin both had spicy chicken with noodle. As for me, I just had mango drink and that’s it. We played a game along the way-- pantun game. So oldies, such goodies. So we just have to complete the pantun given to us, and make new pantun for others to complete. It was such fun, we have so much laugh, my cheek hurts as hell. You can just imagine how troublesome it is to Ebi to complete this in Malay! But she tried though, even tho Zuyyin and I not such a great supporters, she tried. 

Then we just went straight home. After lepaklepak abit, Ain called me saying that she was heading to Mamak. “Oh Crap” my room isn’t yet ready. So I just asked her to wait for a while, and room isn’t yet ready also -___- 

At Mamak, we played the pantun game too! And Ebi improves tremendously. Good for her, might keep this up! After that, we played this S-T-O-P thingy where you have to jot down 20 things that starts with one particular letter. I won the game! It has been a while, no joke. Last time I played this, maybe when I was in standard 3 or 4. I just wanna show this people how it is done. Ebi and Ain never even heard of the game. Shame on both of you. We were there for quite sometimes. Lepak you can call it. We went home at 1 am. tsktsktsk. 

The room still isn’t ready facepalm. But all in all, I manage to tidy up my room, make some place for Ain to sleep and here I am, updating my journal for the second time, consecutively. It takes 21 days to make it a routine, and 90 days to make it a habit right. Let starts with 2. Check! 

During one of these days when I feel like I treasure my siblings even more than I treasure anything else- including myself. It doesn’t have to be so special like having birthday party at Vienna Hard Rock Cafe, or travelling all over the world. Just this. Me, my siblings, doing something that all of us love, laughing together, making memories, and appreciate every moment. This. Not that I don’t appreciate it. I just would’ve appreciate it more if we can do things that I like. Sitting home, eating home mad food, with variety of drinks in front of me (so that I don’t have to get up and get my drink) and watching some series back to back. HEAVEN! I am that kind of girl. Thats why my greatest strength is making the ambiance as cozy as I can get. And my biggest weakness is having such ambiance as cozy as I can get. 

 Some people don’t see this. Yeah money and all is important, but feeling content with yourself and your surrounding is even more crucial. Sure we think about other worrying things too (assignments, due dates, shitty classmates, even more shitty housemates, etc). We even have those bumps along the road, but we just move along. Not making such a big deal out of it. 

How I would trade anything just to have these kind of days, everyday.... 

TT.TT

You have no idea how crazy today is… So when I arrived at my rent house in Cyber, someone used my …. 

Oh wait. I don’t even think you wanna listen to my stories anymore. I really hope we stop fighting, so I can tell you there is this one kid named Man tried to commit suicide, here in my house. Remind me about that later, and I will tell you over a cup of coffee. Your treat, of course. Since you made me cry for days. 

That’s the thing about losing you, I guess. I not only lost a friend, I lost a pair of ears. The ones that always listen to my stories. Hearing me blabbing non-stop nonsense. I also lost that mouth, that keeps reminding me things. Teaching me wonders. Stuff I never knew before. I also lost that one person who always came at me with his daily stories, even though he is 10,912 km away from me (yup I checked). 

The worst thing is that I always thought you needed me. But it turns out, that I was the one who needed you. 

I don’t know how to rectify things. I suck at this. But I really want to make it work with you. Is it possible that I actually like you…? Heh I guess I never know what I have, not until it is gone… God, please. Make this pain go away. 

You're out.

Single tick. 

You know what this means, Dini. 

You’re out. 

The pain I feel in my chest… The eerie silence of nothingness. It happened before with Wan. And it happened again with Dyana and Yahya.

Never thought I would experience it again in such short future.

Now I cant stop thinking- aku memang babi ke? Why is it when everything went south, I would be there..? Why is it so hard for me to maintain a good and strong friendship. With anyone. Was I bounded to be alone..

But I have to say- this pain. It hurts more. I thought it would hurt less, now that I’ve experienced it again and again. But no, this one cut me so deep and so slow. That I can’t stop bleeding, on the inside. And I can’t stop crying on the outside.

3 days.

3 days. You completely ghosted me for 3 solid days. And not even one night I managed to sleep without bawling me eyes out. I know I was wrong now, but you didn’t even let me explain. You judged me and you doomed me to hell, without hearing my side of the story. I needed to talk to you. I needed to apologise, but how to do so when you completely treated me as if I was already dead? 

I never apologise before. How do people actually do this? And why does it look so easy in the movies….? Don’t the hero shit his pants, because Im certainly will. 

“Haziq.. oh Haziq, dah dah lah merajuk…” 

Will that do? 

Ah shiyt

“ I feel like Im squished in between two lines of lies. Im done being lied to. Im done of people taking advantage of me. I’ve hurt the people I trusted the most just because of a lie and what I did can never be taken back. Worst part is that it keeps haunting me everyday”
 

@Him 

You refused to talk about this, and yet I can feel like this is my doing. For no reason, I know I fucked things up. 

057- Modern Heartbreaks

Modern heartbreak is “read at 9:12 p.m.” when it is already 10:32 p.m. 

It is unliked photos on Instagram. It is blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking. 

Modern heartbreak is sick of being watched. It is breakups playing out on Twitter feeds. It is a broken jaw, it is screenshot photos that shouldn't have been saved. It is screenshot texts meant for one person only. 

Modern heartbreak is seeing your ex-lover with their new one, watching their lives playing out like yours didn’t. It is phones thrown into bedroom walls when their profile changes from single to ‘in a relationship’. It is also snapchat stories to make that one person jealous because it feels like without them, you are nothing. 

Modern heartbreak is knowing your friends are off better without you. Seeing your group of friends expending, bigger without you. It is the reluctancy between unfollow them and be happy, or still follow them and be miserable. 

Modern heartbreak is that one story that expiring before they see it because they don't give a damn about you, and now you know. It is deleting their contact details, but wanting them tattooed on the back of your hand in case you ever want to call. 

It is messy, 

It is messy, 

It is messy because everyone sees it, and it never goes away.