060- Losing the lost ones.

I often wondered. Hard.. Why do some people enter our life just to be gone in the next blink...? I mean, I lost more people than both my hands can count for, at least as far as I remember. And I still remember how tightly I hold on to some of them. But they slip away. And I too hold loose of them, but again, they too, slip away. Some of them, I tried to have them back in my life, kind of begging for them to stay, to never step from that door... but they too, are gone now. Some I dont even expect to be losing, not at a very young age... 

It is not easy, you know. No matter how many times you already do it. No matter how many farewells you bid, no matter how many screams you shouted, telling them to never go, asking them to always stay, and they dont- it was never easy. The first one hurt like a motherfucker but the second one just isnt any easier. No matter how many times you lost them, they will still hurt you. 

They say that time heals. Yeah it does. But the scars remain. You wont remember what they did, or how good they were, how you treasure all the memories you make with them. You wont remember that. Not after 2 years, not after 20 years. But you will always remember the pain they left you. You will always remember they pain you felt when they left you. You will sooner realize that "they left you". That will be the curse. They left you. 

And I already dont remember how close I was to some of them. More like, I dont want to remember. But I know this, no matter how hard I try, I will never forget that pain. The pain they chose to make me feel. I wont forget how I cried all those tears. How I go through some sleepless night, staring at the ceiling, thinking how could they hurt me this much... How my heart ache.... I wont forget them. I really want to... 

But that kind of hurts will make me even more cautious in choosing the next person who decided to walk again through that same door. 

059- Teh Tarik session

Hello hello. Now I've finish revamping my blog. Sweep the dust here and there, been through all the blog posts, both posted and also the ones in draft. Just having another different view about the old me. I would say, I outgrew her a bit. Just a bit. Because boii I was so ashamed of my blog posts. But I didnt take them down. Because I want them to be there. As my personal indicator of progression. 

Me

Over the last 2 years, so many things happened. And I dont even want to remember most of them. They are quite painful. Me, losing so many friends around me, what's new anyway... Making friends, losing friends, as quickly as that. Ive been crying over and over the same spilled milk, but the milk will still be spilt. Nothing can change over me crying for something that did happened in the past. I dont say I have no regret. Some, I do. But they are just not worth it, not anymore. Not worth the crying all over again, the hurting, the leaving-me-again. 

I've always been so suck at making friends. Ever since I was a little girl. I guess nothing change much... 

Study 

The last time I was blogging, I was still in INTEC Shah Alam, finishing up my Australian High School there. Best timee! Then my mom died. And I suddenly have this change of heart about going there. Dengg I shouldve go there... My mom wouldve want me to. And I would like that too. I wish how I didnt let him talk me out of this. But, shit happens. 

After finishing up my Ausmat, I pursue my study in Limkokwing Cyberjaya. Yup.. I was an architecture student, for only a year. Because I cannot really adapt to their environment.. Their way of being a student isnt something that I can just follow and adapt along the way. I did give myself some time of adjusting myself, but you know when you already fail. 

So I quit. Then my sisters are coming home. So Ebi will be staying with me since Babah wont be working here. Zuyyin will go to her SEGi University in Damansara, leaving Ebi alone. At first, Babah was thinking of registering Ebi to Nexus, since I was supposed to be in Limkokwing. But it will be quite awkward for Poksu and Kak Anis, now that they are staying there, at Babah's house in Cyberjaya... 

Then I know there is only one option for me. I need to enrol to the nearest university from my house. Even though it is pretty islamic and all. Hurm. Still adjusting. But this time, I dont really have a choice. I cant just think about what I want. Now, I need to think about my sisters as well. It will be a challenge, but it is a challenge that I dont mind taking. As long as I can serve my sisters, Im willing to do it. Oh by the way, I am now an Economic student! pulekkk... 

058- One of those days...

So today I didn’t quite start the day as early as expected. I just slept my way all the way until Zuyyin and Ebi make noises outside. Nope, still didn’t wake up. Just woke up when they stop making noises. Then I went outside my room and they were gone.. Then Zuyyin told me they just went to the pool downstairs to swim. Mehh... continue my sleeping journey. 

Then, Ebi bought us lunch today! She claimed that she cooked it -_-'' . Hahaha. After having our super late lunch, the clock strikes 3 pm. Ebi and Zuyyin told me that they wanted to play Bowling at Wangsa Walk. And they even willing to pay for me, since I am so broke and pokai. TT_TT

So went for bowl at 5pm and boy it was such a fun! We played two games, and Ebi won both games. Zuyyin sucks btw. So you are in the middle, Diniey. Not too shabby. Well done. Second game I scored 100 points right on the dot! It is an achievement tho. Ebi scored 122 pt for the second game which is super awesome. But we might need to find new place to bowl during weekend because it is hella pack with people. Good thing is we can shout and scream and nobody bats an eye.  So just imagine the shouting session that we launched there. 

After finish our bowling session, it is already 7pm, so we went to Wangsa Food Truck to have our light dinner. Ebi and Zuyyin both had spicy chicken with noodle. As for me, I just had mango drink and that’s it. We played a game along the way-- pantun game. So oldies, such goodies. So we just have to complete the pantun given to us, and make new pantun for others to complete. It was such fun, we have so much laugh, my cheek hurts as hell. You can just imagine how troublesome it is to Ebi to complete this in Malay! But she tried though, even tho Zuyyin and I not such a great supporters, she tried. 

Then we just went straight home. After lepaklepak abit, Ain called me saying that she was heading to Mamak. “Oh Crap” my room isn’t yet ready. So I just asked her to wait for a while, and room isn’t yet ready also -___- 

At Mamak, we played the pantun game too! And Ebi improves tremendously. Good for her, might keep this up! After that, we played this S-T-O-P thingy where you have to jot down 20 things that starts with one particular letter. I won the game! It has been a while, no joke. Last time I played this, maybe when I was in standard 3 or 4. I just wanna show this people how it is done. Ebi and Ain never even heard of the game. Shame on both of you. We were there for quite sometimes. Lepak you can call it. We went home at 1 am. tsktsktsk. 

The room still isn’t ready facepalm. But all in all, I manage to tidy up my room, make some place for Ain to sleep and here I am, updating my journal for the second time, consecutively. It takes 21 days to make it a routine, and 90 days to make it a habit right. Let starts with 2. Check! 

During one of these days when I feel like I treasure my siblings even more than I treasure anything else- including myself. It doesn’t have to be so special like having birthday party at Vienna Hard Rock Cafe, or travelling all over the world. Just this. Me, my siblings, doing something that all of us love, laughing together, making memories, and appreciate every moment. This. Not that I don’t appreciate it. I just would’ve appreciate it more if we can do things that I like. Sitting home, eating home mad food, with variety of drinks in front of me (so that I don’t have to get up and get my drink) and watching some series back to back. HEAVEN! I am that kind of girl. Thats why my greatest strength is making the ambiance as cozy as I can get. And my biggest weakness is having such ambiance as cozy as I can get. 

 Some people don’t see this. Yeah money and all is important, but feeling content with yourself and your surrounding is even more crucial. Sure we think about other worrying things too (assignments, due dates, shitty classmates, even more shitty housemates, etc). We even have those bumps along the road, but we just move along. Not making such a big deal out of it. 

How I would trade anything just to have these kind of days, everyday....