034- Stalking hurts.

Stalking is fucking hurtful. But somehow, even though we know damn well that it is gonna hurt like a son of a bitch, you still do it. Again and again.. As if you are taking the pleasure of hurting yourself. you suck up for the pain... Never learn. 

Okay so today, I started my day just like usually, sending him a Telegram Message and what not and blablabla and when I opened it again, it double ticked. He read it. But he didnt reply it. Then I thought that maybe he was busy. Yeah, today, he's supposed to go out and lepak with his friends. Then, I opened my Instagram and I saw the first pict that make my heart feel like being stabbed over and over. Gosh, it was him. And the other girl. Playing ice skating at Damansara. And I realize that the boy never posted any pict with other girl, so the girl is the first. Lucky her.. And I am here, broken hearted. 

But why do I have to sakit hati? I mean we're just friends. Nothing more between us. Or at least it was me yang meletakkan high expectation kan? And perhaps both of them are just friends. I dont know! Seriously, I just wanna tear my hair out.. When I saw that pict, I can hear thunder rumbling.. Haha. Not funny. 

Maybe Afiq was right. Maybe I was just hoping for some prince Charming to come and rescue me while Im nothing more than just a peasant. Maybe we should take it slow again. Maybe this is so fast. Maybe I thought I knew him while Im not. Maybe Im not the only girl that has some conversation until morning. Maybe he did that to the others as well, so that ramai lagi yang rasa special. Well, bravo my friend. You finally did it..

Afiq, maybe you were right after all.. Maybe he isnt what I thought he is. But out of the other maybe and maybe, there is one definite answer. This is my false. I trust the wrong guy, again. Same goes to Anas but I dont learn the lesson.. 

So this is it. Again, letting everything go. 

033- Reminiscing those days.

Since I've been into Facebook recently, banyaklaa gambar-gambar merapu yang aku jumpa balik. I've been Facebooking since I was in Form 1 (I guess) so there are just so many memories. My SEM project when I was 13. Hahaha with the kolam, ship and everything. And my birthday party when I was 14, thats the sweetest!  With the cake, the food, the video. Gosh it was the sweetest thing someone ever did to me. Hold on, looking for tissues. 

Then, Form 3. I dont even know where to start but all in all, my 2012 is the most rocking year ever. Celebrating Aisyah's birthday, English Camp in Rasau Kerteh that was super duper fun, my first camping trip with Pandu Puteri in Hutan Jambu Bongkok, giving cakes for the teachers before we sit for our PMR, and simply so many more. Even though we were about to face one of the biggest examination, that is not the excuse for all of us to enjoy ourselves to the max.

This is the picture that we gave to all of our teachers that taught us in 2012. We bought small frames and we put this picture and gave to them. Hahaa  ignore my 2012 look. It looks horrible, I know. 

God, there's no other word that I can use to describe my feeling to these bunch of people. They are ridiculous, they are nonsense, we fought, we cried and we're still one.  And Im sorry for taking you guys for granted. Haha. *wiping tear*

032- Updating Facebook

Hello hello! Today we post about something happy lah. Asek masam dan muram sajaa..

So, today, I dont even know why or how the hell, I just wanna log in my Facebook account. Then suddenly rasa macam nak tengok wall sendiri. Full with spamming and advs and everything. Ade jugak yang sapa tanya how are you and everything but since dah lama tak buka Facebook, tak perasan la. Even in my phone, there is no Facebook App. 

Nampak tak gigihnya makcik atas tu kemas rumah dia? Hah acantu laa aku gigih kemas Facebook aku. Habis semua status and gambar yang tak appropriate aku private kan. Makin kebawah aku scroll, makin tebal muka aku. Mane taknye? Banyak status aku dulu jenis nak hentam orang je somborono. Almost semua status aku nak sound orang tu, nak sound orang ni. Marah orang tu, marah orang ni. Hamboih, besar beno ke aku ni dulu? *malu. 

Then nampak jugaklaa cara aku komen macam bangang. Heish memang kerjanya cuma nak sakitkan hati orang lain je.. Terasa sangat budak-budak. 

 For those yang pernah kene dengan that childish Dini dulu, seriously I am truly sorry. Tak pernah sangka yang aku boleh jadi sebiadap dan sekurang ajar tu. Im sorry. 

And banyak jugak bende yang aku jumpa. Gambar, video. Siap ade satu video ni Nadhrah buat khas untuk aku. Hahahahaa and it makes my eyes teary.  

And duhh, of course I miss those moment but I do realize that change is the only thing that is consistence in our life. I have to accept those changes. Even I also change to someone else.. 

031- Move on...

*referring to my previous entry *

That's it. Since I know that he is not the one, why should I cling to him anymore? That's it, Im moving on. (Its not that I havent try to stay away from him before, but it doesnt work out... =/ ). Knowing him is a mistake alright, but I never blame anyone else but myself.

I keep on asking myself,  "why Im still here?" Hoping that one day he wont treat me like a complete shit anymore. I keep on convincing myself that things will change somehow or rather. But Ive been waiting since I was 15 and nothing happened. 

Its okay, I am strong, am I not? Hoping that things will start to be okay again... 

If only I knew what I know today.
I would take the pain away.
Thank you for all you've done.
Forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing I wouldnt do to hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you, but I know you wont be there.
Im sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldnt do.
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you..
Some days I feel broke inside but I wont admit.
Sometimes I just wanna hide cause it's you I miss.
It is hard to say goodbye when it come to this.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

030- He is not the one...

Let me start the entry by putting a suitable gif for my situation first... 

I didnt know how powerful a single boy can be in our life until recently. A boy, a man, a fella.. I dont know. How he can influence my life and turn it upside down. One minute I am so angry toward him, he makes me wanna tear my hair out, crying and sobbing like I've lost my husband. And the other minute he can make me the happiest, childish girl I could ever be. Everything is not easily changed but he has the power to change my life. 

Whenever he is right beside me, I feel so safe. All of my insecurities will fade away and poofftt disappear into the thin air. Whenever he cracks his silly jokes, I will giggle and laugh even though I've heard the jokes for thousandth times. Whenever he puts his arm around me, I can feel that nothing will ever go wrong. And whenever I see his smile, I know that everything fall into places. He doesnt even has to try hard, but he is always something in my eyes. 

I know that I shouldnt feel this way toward him. He is my friend and forever will be. Nothing will change between us, both of us know that. But, it is predictable that if you have a guy as your best friend, you will end up fall in love with him. 

But, I dont want to fall in love with him. That is insane. He is insane.   And I am already out of my mind. Gosh. It is gross. 

No, he is not the one. I know it, but I cant help it. 

029- SPM leavers

OMG IM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN UPDATING MY BLOG! AHHH NOW THE ARCHIVE WONT LOOK SO NICE ANYMORE... It just has been truly one hell of a year. I dont even have time to pamper myself, let alone to update blog. I looked like Orix from Duyung. You know, the monkey.. Not the duyung, duhhh. NOW THAT THE SPM IS FUCKING OVER, I finally got some free time. Okay letss! 

I know SPM has been over for more than a month now, I know. But I still havent got so much time even after that because it was raining heavily and Dungun flooded. Since my father isnt around, it is just me, my mommy dearest and my bibik to lift all the furnitures and clean all the messes. 

First, I thought that after I finished my SPM examination, that I will be as free as a nightingale. Feels free to be an adult. Perhaps having vacation kat Kuala Lumpur or Redang Island or whatever. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show. But nehi nehi nehi! Haha. Its not that Im a bird in a cage or something like that, (and yesss I do appreciate the break) but I was hoping for something bigger. 

Getting driver's license!

My friends mostly already got their PDL (Probationary Driving License) which is so cooool! And I am so jealous. Huhu but as for me, Im taking the license in Kuala Terengganu which is one and a half hours driving from my house.. Why? Because when I wanted to register the class in Wimozad Dungun, they said that Wimozad doesnt offer Automatic Classes. I was like wtf and I called KT's PMS and they answered that they do offer Automatic. Yadiyadiyadi, so I just register in Kuala Terengganu. The bad part is that, after I passed my computer test, a friend of mine told me that Wimozad HAS AUTOMATIC CLASS! How rude is that? But I dont regret it that much. I mean, I do feel sorta regret feeling, but not that much. Because since I make my license in KT, I have to stay at my grandparents house and I love it. Its like living under rock but I dont mind. Haa. 

.English Class. 

I know, why the hell I need classes for?! Already done with that SPM bullshit, but I still have to attend classes. English subject, I must add. I told my friend that Im attending this "English Course for SPM Leavers" and he laughed at me like I was cracking some kick-ass joke. Im not. I am attending those classes. Well, I have to sacrifice my driving classes for this.

Am I doing the right thing? No.

 Is it good for me? I dont know. 

Am I going to regret this? Definitely. 

First, I thought that this English Course is the place where I will learn about some high standard English Language, preparing myself for International English Language Testing System (IELTS) and having bombastic idea and blablabla but no! This class *literally* teaches me about how to gain confidence and have the guts to talk to people. Not being a Mrs Arrogant Bastard but I seriously dont really need it. I can talk with people without having any problems. I can give a talk, deliver a speech and what not. But still, I am attending it. Hoping that something nice will happen to me soon... 

Oh by the way, if Im being optimistic right now, I can see that I can make many acquaintance by attending this course. This smart fellow from MRSM named Wan ape ntah, this talkative guy from Dungun, and I gotta meet my long lost best friend when I was 12. Of course things have changed, but it is nice to see her again in good and healthy condition.

Update: Okay, I am starting to like this English Course. Not only for the acquaintances that I can make, but also because this class give me some exposure about uni life. About interviewing session, the assignment, the soft skills and everything. So, tabahkan hati, sadokan jiwa Diniey, and lets move forward! Ganbatte-

Okay so my advice to you guys, do make silly mistakes. Hahahaha it is not related at all but hell yeah!