Well, basically, just like any other night- or early morning, I was waiting for you to call, so we can talk. And I got hungry so I went to the kitchen and made myself something simple. That was the moment I missed your call. I called you back but to no avail. Let me be clear, this is not your fault. Before we proceed any further- This is me try to tell you a story, and not pointing out or blaming you. Please, I don’t need that kind of guilt.
And I went to bed. It was 3 or 4 am. And while I was sleeping, I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air, but my lungs, they just won’t expend. I was so scared, I thought that this was just a bad dream. But no, my eyes were wide opened. I never had it before, not that I can think of. And it was so horrifying. The feelings of helpless, the thought that ‘could I die this way? NO.’
I was scared. The reason being is 1- I’m not prepared to die and 2- I want to go on my term. I want to know the when, where and how. Sudden death like that won’t do it for me. Gila babi I know. Wanna know how I overcame it? I bit myself. I bit my arm, the left one. It wasn’t bad, I didn’t cut myself but I realised there was a bruise, just to remind myself, that experience is real.
Kinda forgotten about it, through the period leaking and all that, until I went to take a shower just now. And I cried. It has been awhile since I sobbed in my shower, but there I was, contemplating whether or not to tell you this. I really need to tell someone, but as I close my eyes and picturing people, those I can trust, I can see no one. No, it’s not that I don’t trust them, really. It’s the thought of burdening them again and again. That I can’t do.
I really wanted to tell you. I do. But I promised myself not to bother you with that kind of lame story anymore. After all, you’re the one who asked me to open up to others. And the truth is- if its not you, then there will be no one else.
No comments:
Post a Comment