Spineless bitch

I told you about me having anxiety attack, but not through all the details. Just briefly. Just tapping on the surface. I don’t want you to feel guilty or sad of me. I mean, I kinda feel like frustrated, not being be able to let you know, but it is even more frustrating if you ever felt like I don’t trust you- I do. 

We talked up until 8 am. And I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone that night. Not even to you. But how could I ever say no. So we talked and we watched bunches of weird YouTube videos. It was nice. 

Im starting to feel attached to you, yet again. Im trying to know my place and stay behind the line, so help me identify the boundaries here, because Im a girl with non. Like I said before, it is rather easy to be close to you rather than staying away. But you made it perfectly clear that you also need a space of you own. And as hurtful and rejected as it might sound, I get it. And I respect it. So Im trying to teach myself that I can’t have everything in the world. Not your time, your companionship, and not even you. And I won’t ask for it, unless you’re the one who offers it to me firsthand. So whenever you gave me the opportunity of talking to you, I’ll put my emotions aside and yeah, lets talk. 

Tonight, you started the conversation first. And I asked you to watch a movie with me, but you ghosted me. It hurts, but it is also fine. I guess. You also need a space of your own. And me being clingy to you is not doing neither of us any good. 

Everything is good while it lasts. So “thank you for trying to comfort me whenever I need it. I really appreciate it.” is what I want to say before I ended up the call this morning, but instead I said “pukul 8 aku drop call”. 


Spineless bitch. 

The truth is...

Today hasn’t been good. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it.. except the starter? I… okay, lets start with this. I had an anxiety attack, in my sleep. Not so good of a start, isn’t it…. 

Well, basically, just like any other night- or early morning, I was waiting for you to call, so we can talk. And I got hungry so I went to the kitchen and made myself something simple. That was the moment I missed your call. I called you back but to no avail. Let me be clear, this is not your fault. Before we proceed any further- This is me try to tell you a story, and not pointing out or blaming you. Please, I don’t need that kind of guilt. 

And I went to bed. It was 3 or 4 am. And while I was sleeping, I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air, but my lungs, they just won’t expend. I was so scared, I thought that this was just a bad dream. But no, my eyes were wide opened. I never had it before, not that I can think of. And it was so horrifying. The feelings of helpless, the thought that ‘could I die this way? NO.’ 

I was scared. The reason being is 1- I’m not prepared to die and 2- I want to go on my term. I want to know the when, where and how. Sudden death like that won’t do it for me. Gila babi I know. Wanna know how I overcame it? I bit myself. I bit my arm, the left one. It wasn’t bad, I didn’t cut myself but I realised there was a bruise, just to remind myself, that experience is real. 

Kinda forgotten about it, through the period leaking and all that, until I went to take a shower just now. And I cried. It has been awhile since I sobbed in my shower, but there I was, contemplating whether or not to tell you this. I really need to tell someone, but as I close my eyes and picturing people, those I can trust, I can see no one. No, it’s not that I don’t trust them, really. It’s the thought of burdening them again and again. That I can’t do. 

I really wanted to tell you. I do. But I promised myself not to bother you with that kind of lame story anymore. After all, you’re the one who asked me to open up to others. And the truth is- if its not you, then there will be no one else.