TT.TT

You have no idea how crazy today is… So when I arrived at my rent house in Cyber, someone used my …. 

Oh wait. I don’t even think you wanna listen to my stories anymore. I really hope we stop fighting, so I can tell you there is this one kid named Man tried to commit suicide, here in my house. Remind me about that later, and I will tell you over a cup of coffee. Your treat, of course. Since you made me cry for days. 

That’s the thing about losing you, I guess. I not only lost a friend, I lost a pair of ears. The ones that always listen to my stories. Hearing me blabbing non-stop nonsense. I also lost that mouth, that keeps reminding me things. Teaching me wonders. Stuff I never knew before. I also lost that one person who always came at me with his daily stories, even though he is 10,912 km away from me (yup I checked). 

The worst thing is that I always thought you needed me. But it turns out, that I was the one who needed you. 

I don’t know how to rectify things. I suck at this. But I really want to make it work with you. Is it possible that I actually like you…? Heh I guess I never know what I have, not until it is gone… God, please. Make this pain go away. 

You're out.

Single tick. 

You know what this means, Dini. 

You’re out. 

The pain I feel in my chest… The eerie silence of nothingness. It happened before with Wan. And it happened again with Dyana and Yahya.

Never thought I would experience it again in such short future.

Now I cant stop thinking- aku memang babi ke? Why is it when everything went south, I would be there..? Why is it so hard for me to maintain a good and strong friendship. With anyone. Was I bounded to be alone..

But I have to say- this pain. It hurts more. I thought it would hurt less, now that I’ve experienced it again and again. But no, this one cut me so deep and so slow. That I can’t stop bleeding, on the inside. And I can’t stop crying on the outside.

3 days.

3 days. You completely ghosted me for 3 solid days. And not even one night I managed to sleep without bawling me eyes out. I know I was wrong now, but you didn’t even let me explain. You judged me and you doomed me to hell, without hearing my side of the story. I needed to talk to you. I needed to apologise, but how to do so when you completely treated me as if I was already dead? 

I never apologise before. How do people actually do this? And why does it look so easy in the movies….? Don’t the hero shit his pants, because Im certainly will. 

“Haziq.. oh Haziq, dah dah lah merajuk…” 

Will that do? 

Ah shiyt

“ I feel like Im squished in between two lines of lies. Im done being lied to. Im done of people taking advantage of me. I’ve hurt the people I trusted the most just because of a lie and what I did can never be taken back. Worst part is that it keeps haunting me everyday”
 

@Him 

You refused to talk about this, and yet I can feel like this is my doing. For no reason, I know I fucked things up. 

057- Modern Heartbreaks

Modern heartbreak is “read at 9:12 p.m.” when it is already 10:32 p.m. 

It is unliked photos on Instagram. It is blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking. 

Modern heartbreak is sick of being watched. It is breakups playing out on Twitter feeds. It is a broken jaw, it is screenshot photos that shouldn't have been saved. It is screenshot texts meant for one person only. 

Modern heartbreak is seeing your ex-lover with their new one, watching their lives playing out like yours didn’t. It is phones thrown into bedroom walls when their profile changes from single to ‘in a relationship’. It is also snapchat stories to make that one person jealous because it feels like without them, you are nothing. 

Modern heartbreak is knowing your friends are off better without you. Seeing your group of friends expending, bigger without you. It is the reluctancy between unfollow them and be happy, or still follow them and be miserable. 

Modern heartbreak is that one story that expiring before they see it because they don't give a damn about you, and now you know. It is deleting their contact details, but wanting them tattooed on the back of your hand in case you ever want to call. 

It is messy, 

It is messy, 

It is messy because everyone sees it, and it never goes away.