Just once...

Havent been feeling so good lately. Maybe it's the overthinking. Maybe it's the lockdown and lost of freedom thingy. Maybe because of the conversation I encountered with Azam, regarding knowing what's good and what's bad for you. Or realising that some people, whether we like it or not, inflicts more harm than good to us. Even if they are someone we treasure the most. And I havent been feeling so good ever since. I tried to talk to you about that, but you, you were avoiding me. Cut the bullshit, you have been avoiding me from 8th March. 

My dad once (or many many times) said "choose someone that will choose you". I'd choose you again and again, over everything. I chose you over my study, or over my sleeping schedule, I chose you over my mental health and well being. I regret not. But then come one question that I dont have the answer. "Will you choose me?" 

Just once. I wanted you to choose me for once. I wanted to be good enough for you, just once. Just once, you'd look at me. Not even as someone special you know. That would be absurd. That is me asking for too much. But as a friend. As a person. Because right now, I feel so expendable- just something you can discard at your own convenience. And I really dont like that feeling. Just for once, I wanted to feel secure. 

But that's the thing, isnt it? What do I even have to offer...? Im not pretty, I dont have that fit or gorgeous body, I dont have interesting personality, Im dumb, Im a horrible person in a way. Heck even I wouldnt choose me, so why would you. 

As sad and devastated as it is, then it hits me. Like a snap of a thread. It shouldnt matter. In two years time, this, shouldnt matter. When I truly gone, this shouldnt matter. When she turned 21, all of this pain in the chest, the aching of my heart, it wont matter. In a way, you're doing me a kindness. You dont attach yourself to me, so I dont have to feel so bad when I leave. And I know what I have to do now. De-attaching myself from you too. 

Oh God, just once, I wanted you to say to me "You matter". 

But that would just be sweet dream of mine. 

RMO Day 6- Choice.

Hell yeah, cant believe it is only day six. DAY SIX. Out of fourteen. Of semi-quarantine. And all three of us are bored to hell right now. I swear to God, habis je RMO, semua memang pakat pakat keluar and have picnic and fun and sunbathing. I do really miss going to the outside. Not that I love the outdoor lifestyle, but H has been pointing it out that I miss my freedom. I miss those days where I have the choice of going out or staying home. And I would always choose the latter. But when you dont have the choice, you will choose something that you cannot have. 

It’s a funny thing about choice. To many people it is very important that they have choice in their lives. Some people vigorously fight to defend their right to choose. In many ways, however, we seem to have a lot less choice than we think and, ironically, it could be the most important aspects of our lives in which we have the least choice of all.

Rasputin made it very clear that he gave the Russian 'the choice'- either you stay at home for 14 days or stay in the prison for 5 years. 

Choices, heh.

PS: Stay strong guys. My thoughts and prayers for all Malaysians, especially the frontliners, those who has to stay at home with 10 siblings and got nothing to eat, those who earned their income day by day and now you're worrying sick as to what to feed your family the next day, and all of you who are fighting you own silent battle. إن شاء الله, this too will pass.

Angelica.

I sent you a teka teki, but still hasn’t receive the reply yet. Ive been thinking, you know. Maybe you were right all along- that I like you because you were always there. Does this mean that I don’t like you anymore now that you’re always unavailable? I have been having countless of emotional breakdown. I started to take my meds more frequent again. I wanted to talk to you about it, but I.. I… I just have the feelings that you don’t care anymore. Somehow, you’ve lost interest in me. I might be wrong, I know. I might be overthinking things. Maybe, you were just busy. Maybe, you didn’t even hear what I say due to poor connection. 

Are you teaching me to get use to you not being available? HAHA can you even fathom the statement, because I really can’t. Are we practicing social distancing right now? I mean, would it hurt you that much to let me know that “hey I’m busy, ttyl” kind of thing. Or if you need space, why don’t you say so..? Why do you have to make it all difficult for me… Why do you keep on tormenting me like so. ‘Eventually, it won’t matter. Whenever his name popped up on your phone screen, you would be smiling, ear to ear. And like a good dog, you will answer your master’ my evil inner voice said this to me. Lately it has been here a lot. I would like to name it Angelica, you know because it is not angelic, at all.

Wait, I need to change this blog template. It should be 'Dear H' or something since I am just using this blog to commemorate everything that I wanted to say to you here. I still remember how I used to contemplate on letting you know about the existence of this blog. I mean, I did told you about 'it'. But I referred ‘it’ as a book. But Im not lying. It started from a book. Then I just use this blog, because 1) I am a lazy bitch. I don’t want to write every single entry. I know handwritten things would be so much more sentimental, but I don’t really think you would appreciate that kind of things, and 2) the book got lost (and I found it again) for quite sometimes during pindah randah from Cyber to my home. 

A brief update

After several days talking to you for 5 hours daily, somehow today, we don’t talk. Welp, I had a very busy day too. Entertaining guests from breakfast, to lunch, straight to hi-tea and dinner, then supper. Fuh. 4 course meal… And yes, I cooked. And cleaned up the kitchen and house prior and after the guests. I didn’t sleep (nap, yes, but not sleep) for 24 hours straight. And when I finally did, it felt soooo good! 

After all the hectic and chaos, I called you. Just to have a quick catchup with you before I turn to bed. But to no avail. Then I just sleep, thinking that maybe a ‘Hey’ will pop up in my chat some times later. But no. 

Woke up at 3:15 am in the morning, ‘did I miss his call?’ Eagerly turn on the screen, and again, still nada. This is somehow frustrating… And I started overthinking. Did I send something, did I say something, did you think I did something that was meant to hurt you? 

And just like that, I know this is how Im going to fuck all of this all over again. 

Spineless bitch

I told you about me having anxiety attack, but not through all the details. Just briefly. Just tapping on the surface. I don’t want you to feel guilty or sad of me. I mean, I kinda feel like frustrated, not being be able to let you know, but it is even more frustrating if you ever felt like I don’t trust you- I do. 

We talked up until 8 am. And I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone that night. Not even to you. But how could I ever say no. So we talked and we watched bunches of weird YouTube videos. It was nice. 

Im starting to feel attached to you, yet again. Im trying to know my place and stay behind the line, so help me identify the boundaries here, because Im a girl with non. Like I said before, it is rather easy to be close to you rather than staying away. But you made it perfectly clear that you also need a space of you own. And as hurtful and rejected as it might sound, I get it. And I respect it. So Im trying to teach myself that I can’t have everything in the world. Not your time, your companionship, and not even you. And I won’t ask for it, unless you’re the one who offers it to me firsthand. So whenever you gave me the opportunity of talking to you, I’ll put my emotions aside and yeah, lets talk. 

Tonight, you started the conversation first. And I asked you to watch a movie with me, but you ghosted me. It hurts, but it is also fine. I guess. You also need a space of your own. And me being clingy to you is not doing neither of us any good. 

Everything is good while it lasts. So “thank you for trying to comfort me whenever I need it. I really appreciate it.” is what I want to say before I ended up the call this morning, but instead I said “pukul 8 aku drop call”. 


Spineless bitch.