Hello there. Today, 11th December 2018 (Tuesday), marks the day that another one of my family members passed away.
My Atuk ayah (Talib bin Sadin) suffered from carcinoma cancer, so first he suffered 2nd stage of Colorectal Adenocarcinoma, a colon cancer. He chose to remove his colon, partially. And we thought that that's it. But the cancer spread all over to his backbone, causing a whole new cancer- Stage 3 Metastatic spinal tumor which made him having difficulties to urinate. The doctor didnt give him much choice, so he chose to make both holes from the kidneys to urinate. Then, the doctors allowed him to spend times at home while waiting for his chemotherapy. Though, the doctors really didnt support the chemo idea, due to his age (75 years old) but he insisted. "Takpe doktor, pakcik gagah lagi..." With his approval, the doctors cant say no.
Then, when he was home, he can still stand and plucked some chillies for the guests. Amazing right.. But things started went wrong, spiralling to the doom. The tubes got some leakages. Even when the doctors replaced the tubes with bigger ones, the leakages was still there. Then, there was this one big ass tumor on his stomach, suppressing his lower body usage. He cant use his legs, let alone stand and walk... So he was bed-ridden, completely.
7th December 2018 (Friday)
I got the message from my aunt, saying that he was very ill. Not dying, but in malay, we call it 'nazak'.. very very ill. Not yet dying tho. Something in the middle. Then it was only me and Ebi. Yin was in her Asrama, and Babah was in Baku, but he get on the plane that night, heading back to Malaysia. Me and Ebi went to visit him, but only a while... like for 5 minutes only top, then we went home.
8th December 2018 (Saturday)
We went there again, but together with Zuyyin this time. And we waited for Babah also. He was supposed to arrive at 4:30 pm, but he wasnt there until 7:30.. During that time, me and Atuk Ayah bonded a bit. He asked about me, my studies, my life.. and he asked me to clip his nails. Hands and toes. Then, he asked me to give him a clean shave.. I was a bit confused, and a bit honoured. Usually Mokde did all the cleaning and bathing. but he personally asked me to do it... Then I gave him his medicine and we went home.
9th December 2018 (Sunday)
My Jidi from Terengganu arrived to visit him as well.. But we went there a bit late, because all of us were damn tired.. and Atuk was already on his way to sleep.. Didnt talk much, we just borak borak a bit and we bid him Good night..
10th December 2018 (Monday)
We went there during the evening this time, because dont wanna be late like last night.. I managed to give him a 'bath'. Well not really a bath la, not proper one.. I lap lap his body with surgical bathe. I changed his towel twice. His body was so hot, I know his body was fighting so hard. I lifted his arm, I felt nothing but skin and bone. I was so sad. He used to be so strong. He can lift 2 gas can and not budging. But now he cant even lift hand properly... His skin were so wrinkly.. His fingers.. His face, his forehead.. his clean shave moustache.. I stared at everything.. every single things.. every details. I want to remember. I want to capture everything...
"Its okay, tomorrow I'll give you another bath ok atuk.." and he nodded and I left. Before I left, I presented him his new wheelchair. "Senang nanti atuk nak tengok tv, atuk nak jalanjalan, kita jalan jalan sekali.. Kalau atuk tanak naik takpe. Dini naik... Atuk tolakkan..." and he laughed. I laughed also.
11th December 2018 (Tuesday)
We were planning on going to see Atuk Ayah by 4pm. I was so looking forward for it. I was having some guests for lunch, when my sister called and said "Atuk ayah was in the red zone?" I rushed into my father's room when he said "yeah I know.. I'll meet you there ok." But I cant chase out my guests right.. So I waited until 2 pm and my sister arrived from Damansara. I went and picked her up from LRT and we went there.
"Dangg we cannot watch the football match at home laa. maybe from the hospital then" I said.
We rushed to the hospital when I saw my father at the Emergency Section. "Go and find the carpark first" he said. I said to Jidi "kalau jidi nak turun dulu pun boleh... cepat sikit kot." and he said "Eh kita cari sama sama lah.." and Hospital Selayang, you really need to upgrade your parking space... I round and round, looking for a vacant space, and I have to go through the Emergency Section again, when my dad stopped the car and said "Dini balik rumah atuk mak lah ya... Kita jumpa kat sana..."
.......
The eerie silence came rushing through me.. That silence... that pain, that screaming... its eerie. I know, that moment, he was no longer with us. I really wish I was wrong.. I assumed things. This might not be happening... This cannot be happening...
"Ho molek jugokk gitu. Kita takmau la berterok dengan orang orang ni... Boleh kita tanya tanya orang kat rumoh mende jadi..." my Jidi said, having no clue of what was happening..
"Kita miss him by one minute.. kita lambat satu minit..." I said.
"Mana ada lambat... okay doh ni..." still clueless..
"Atuk ayah takdok doh" ....
"Memang lah atuk ayah takdok kat rumoh, dia ada di spital" really jidi...
"Atuk ayah meninggal doh... kita lambat. Sebab tu babah suruh balik.. Takdok menda kita boleh buat kat sini dohh" I shouted a bit. I didnt mean to be rude, its just that he was bugging me so much...
And we went to Atukmak's house and I cried all the way...
_______________________________________________________________
I really didnt expect much when I knew he was sick. He was diagnosed with cancer in July. He put up a really good fight. But the cancer is very very aggressive. I was so glad that he only need to heed the suffering for less than 6 months. He didnt even manage to go to his first chemo- which a huge relieve btw. Chemo is just too painful for him to endure, and he was stronger then. I was glad.
But I regret a lot of things. I shouldve, I couldve be a better grandchild. I just need 4 days to change all the hatred to love.. imagine what I can do for 21 years. I touched him more in those 4 days than I did in 21 years combined. I want to give him another bath. I want to clip his nails again, give him clean shave again, talk to him again.. I didnt even manage to push him with that wheelchair...
Thank you for those wonderful memories, Atuk. Thank you for putting up with me, your stubborn eldest cucu.. Thank you for giving me that golden 4 days opportunity. Those 4 days I will cherish forever. I wont remember about our dark days, but I will always remember those four magical days.
Rest now, Atuk.. Give my hugs to Mama.. I will miss you both so badly.
